dis-'man-t&l

From a very young age I was forced to learn how to say goodbye. Through the years I've continued to dish out the goodbyes. Goodbye to family. Goodbye to friends. To my house, to my dog, to a certain way of life.

I can remember when I moved to Texas with my mom when I was five, I cried for two hours straight because I missed my grandma and grandpa who had been a huge part of my life. When I lived in Jeff City they took care of me since my mom worked and my dad wasn't around. Nonetheless, I said goodbye.

Around age nine, because things between my mom and stepdad were getting so bad, my mom sent me back to Jeff City to live with my dad, which she did in my best interest, but that started a consuming whirlwind of goodbyes. I would go visit my mom and brother every summer for months at a time only to return to Missouri for school. The day before my flight home, I would always feel sick. Couldn't eat. Couldn't sleep. I can still remember every single time I had to leave my mom and brother behind in the airport, crying my heart out as I walked away from them. This continued for a long time until high school when I had finally made a life for myself in Missouri. My visits in Texas shortened each summer and I had learned how to stuff those feelings deep inside somewhere to keep my mom and brother from crying, somehow I became the strong one on the outside.

I bring all this up because today I moved out of my college house for the summer. I had no idea it would affect me so much. I really just felt like crying. Just like I did as a child walking away from my family in the airport. I think that I've built my life around the community at Northwest and that was all stripped from me today. But why? I've left for the summer every year and haven't had these feelings. Maybe because in the past, when I left, everyone else left Maryville too, but this time I left some of my best friends behind.

Where is God in all this? He is faithful and will provide for me. I'm sure this will all pass as I try and settle in my new "home". I think I was just caught off guard a bit. It makes me think of how fallen this world is. That we can attach ourselves so closely to something, only to be pulled away from it.

Heaven will be great.