dis-'man-t&l

I'm back in Jeff City for the next two days or so. I'm staying with a recently married friend from high school, which is nice. My dad is shacked up in an apartment and has relapsed since rehab. Last year, he slept on the couch while I slept in his bed, which was my bed all through high school, before he lost the house.

On my way to Todd's, I drove by my old house and saw people in it... How weird. People living in the same spaces I used to. I had been thinking earlier, on my drive down, about why coming to Jeff City is so tough sometimes. The drive always starts out great because I enjoy driving, blasting my music and singing my heart out to an audience of One. But it seems the closer I get to Jeff City, the darker my heart feels. Not in an evil way necessarily, but in an unsure troubled way.

I think it's because I literally don't have a home here. We had a house, but now even that's gone. My house in Maryville has really been the only place I've ever been comfortable calling a home, and I have for the last four years. I lived in Jeff City with my mom and grandma for the first five years of my life, then I moved to Texas with my mom when she married my step-dad. I lived there for roughly four years, then came back to Jeff City, only this time I moved in with my dad. We lived in an apartment complex managed by our family for another three or four years, after which we moved into a house, when my dad married my step-mom. We had lots of space and a huge back-yard. Now that's gone too, after four or five years there.

I don't really miss that house, except for having a place to crash that was mine. Now I'm a guest, which I'm still grateful for; I just don't feel like I can touch anything. Looking back, I guess I've never really felt like I had a home to go home to, even when there was a physical house. Most everybody else gets so excited about going home, but I'd rather not. Maybe things will change when I get my own place, but that's six months away and a whole other blog post.

What am I thankful for? I'm so very thankful for the spiritual family that God has provided me outside of my dysfunctional immediate family. I'm grateful for the brothers He has put in my life. The ones that helped build me up and the ones He's allowed me to invest in. I'm thankful for Crusade as a ministry, which gave me somewhere to get involved and serve. I'm grateful for Calvary Chapel and their dedication to God's holy Word, and the love that springs up from that dedication. I'm thankful for the Toolbox and everyone that lives there and has made their way through it.

Romans12:9-13
"Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer; distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality."

Thank you Jesus for being my ultimate provider when this world deals me a crap hand.