dis-'man-t&l

Well. I'm in Texas again.
I feel that there is so much in my heart and head desiring to be poured out on here, but seems snagged on something inside of me. It's such an awkward, almost indescribable feeling. I don't think you could understand unless you experienced it. To be a part of a family, but not feel like a part of it. I shy away from my mother and brother and I'm not sure why. An odd sensation will sweep me at times and I suddenly feel like I'm forced to be close with them when I would rather run off, plug my headphones in and disappear for awhile, at least until the feeling passes.

Herein lies the dilemma. I love my mother and my brother. I desperately want them to know the power of Christ and not that He is simply a label. And they're getting there, slowly but surely, praise God. I begin to feel guilty for not being capable of loving them and relating to them the way I would if I had never left nearly 13 years ago. At that time, I was the one that felt abandoned and shipped off, but hindsight is 20/20 and now I feel like I did the abandoning, leaving them to fend for themselves against my step dad. Things that never should have happened, never should have been thought of. The void of a family bond, connectedness, even love between the three of them blows my mind.

I'm sure this house is nothing more than a prison to them. My brother resents my step dad for the way he's been treated and therefore doesn't respect him and dishes out a lot of attitude. My step dad doesn't have the slightest clue what it looks like to ensure your son knows he is loved, valued, important, special. My mother resents my step dad for much of what's listed above. This isn't a home, this isn't a family, this isn't a marriage, yet they still go about their business each day. Then I come to visit for two weeks out the almost 50 weeks in the year. I miss so much, good and bad, they miss so much, good and bad.

God's Spirit inside me tells me to stay, to love them, to let my walls down, to embrace them. My past, my flesh, my anger, my sorrow, my disdain, my broken heart stitched together by God's grace says do what you can until you leave. Start the countdown the second you get off that plane. Four days. I can't be the solace they need. I can't be their relief. I can't measure up to the pedestal they place me so undeservedly upon.

Don't be mislead. Though my heart is blown about by the waves of emotion in this world, my soul remains steadfast and dedicated to God.