Well. I'm in Texas again.
I feel that there is so much in my heart and head desiring to be poured out on here, but seems snagged on something inside of me. It's such an awkward, almost indescribable feeling. I don't think you could understand unless you experienced it. To be a part of a family, but not feel like a part of it. I shy away from my mother and brother and I'm not sure why. An odd sensation will sweep me at times and I suddenly feel like I'm forced to be close with them when I would rather run off, plug my headphones in and disappear for awhile, at least until the feeling passes.
Herein lies the dilemma. I love my mother and my brother. I desperately want them to know the power of Christ and not that He is simply a label. And they're getting there, slowly but surely, praise God. I begin to feel guilty for not being capable of loving them and relating to them the way I would if I had never left nearly 13 years ago. At that time, I was the one that felt abandoned and shipped off, but hindsight is 20/20 and now I feel like I did the abandoning, leaving them to fend for themselves against my step dad. Things that never should have happened, never should have been thought of. The void of a family bond, connectedness, even love between the three of them blows my mind.
I'm sure this house is nothing more than a prison to them. My brother resents my step dad for the way he's been treated and therefore doesn't respect him and dishes out a lot of attitude. My step dad doesn't have the slightest clue what it looks like to ensure your son knows he is loved, valued, important, special. My mother resents my step dad for much of what's listed above. This isn't a home, this isn't a family, this isn't a marriage, yet they still go about their business each day. Then I come to visit for two weeks out the almost 50 weeks in the year. I miss so much, good and bad, they miss so much, good and bad.
God's Spirit inside me tells me to stay, to love them, to let my walls down, to embrace them. My past, my flesh, my anger, my sorrow, my disdain, my broken heart stitched together by God's grace says do what you can until you leave. Start the countdown the second you get off that plane. Four days. I can't be the solace they need. I can't be their relief. I can't measure up to the pedestal they place me so undeservedly upon.
Don't be mislead. Though my heart is blown about by the waves of emotion in this world, my soul remains steadfast and dedicated to God.
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7 comments:
i can only imagine. barely.
all that i know to say is what you've heard time and time again. words that are not scarce, yet hold so much breadth.
i don't think paul was trying to be profound or heroic when he simply stated:
"the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
i wonder what it will look like for you to really let that absorb into your soul. to not only really let His peace in, but let it guard you.
and then i take that thought a little further and think about what a true guard does, sacrifices, and endures in order to save the life of a human.
that's what this peace does.
don't feel self-centered to ask for that peace countless times in a single day. don't stop asking for it.
Hud,
I admire your openness. I have no perspective or words of wisdom for ya. I will hope and pray that you and I both can connect with the reality that regardless of our circumstances, pleasant or not, because we belong to Christ they will benefit his kingdom. Which is the greatest benefit we could ask to receive.
I've gotta be honest, it seems to me the greatest crime here would be to remain silent when you see a problem. I can see that something like that would be hard. I had to speak to my sister about my concerns of her marrying a man that wasn't involved with Christianity.
If you think the house is a prison for them then certainly out of your own love for them you would speak to them about it. Not in any kind of a convicting way, but in a way where you're asking if it is the way you believe it to be. The only way that change will ever come about, which is what I percieve you would want, is for someone to bring the problem into the light. But that only works when brought about respectfully and tactfully. Not in a big blaze of emotion say at dinner one night.
I think talking about it is the only way. I do suggest prayer about it first though.
Furthermore, be slow to anger in this matter, and be ready to accept if you're wrong.
love you hud, love to hear your heart and am encouraged always to see how God is at work in you. you are a teachable man and that leaves room for such big God size things.
Hello. I'm Iris, and i came through your profile when seeing some comments from the blog of stephen christian.
I encourage you to keep on praying and to just love your family and have the hope that God will draw them close. I can relate since I had 2 siblings and my father who weren't save for years. God Bless.
Hud- you need to update so I can stalk you more effectivly.
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