For those of you that know, over the last year or so, I've been experiencing incredible pain in my abdominal area and have had no clue as to what it might be; I took myself to the ER last summer for it.
Turns out, I've been diagnosed with IBS, short-term. That's Irritable Bowel Syndrome if you live under a rock: I B S
My first visit to a local doctor in Maryville, and we talked about my bowels. Regardless, he prescribed some medication I'm to take for a month, and if things don't "calm down" or improve, I'm to return for a much less-pleasant visit, I'll keep the details disclosed.
He asked if I was under any stress; I thought and replied, not any more than the next guy. However, my doctor and Mom think that I've been internalizing a lot of the things going on with my dad, recently and in the past, and circumstances surrounding my entire family for that matter. God has dealt me a decent portion of trials, if I can say that without being prideful.
So why is it that I'm internalizing these experiences in my life?
I was talking with Justin the other night and we both mentioned how we couldn't remember the last time we had cried. After thinking about it, we both recalled, but otherwise we were clueless as to what affected us deeply enough and to the point of tears. That is a very common and sad realization among guys. Don't cry. Suck it up. Keep it in. Bottle it up. Yeah, be a man. Just like my dad was. Sucked it up and then started drinking it up. Now he's a divorced, lonely, 50-something who has been through rehab, relapsed and is jobless and broke. Why? Because he was a man. He didn't let his emotions out. And some 40 years later he's a wreck. I can't even imagine the internal damage he's caused himself. Although I don't completely see it as his fault either. He apparently did not have a community that would accept the expression of his emotions.
Grieving cleanses the soul. It purges darkness, bitterness, and sorrow from our very hearts. Much like laughing is an overflow of joy, so crying is an overflow of sorrow. Imagine if the world told you, You're not a man if you laugh. Suck it up and stop laughing. Then why is it so different with crying?
Jesus wept. The shortest line in the bible, and one of the most powerful in my opinion. If the Resurrection and the Life, the Lord of Lords, the Rock, the Alpha and Omega, the Lion of the Tribe of Judah, the Almighty, Everlasting Father cried, showing an outpour of emotion, then why are we ashamed to mimic Him?
Pride. It's that simple, and that harsh. What a humbling experience for God to place Himself in a situation where He would cry. And we're to do the same when we're found in those situations.
There's a song called The Salesman, the Husband, the Lover by Receiving End of Sirens. There's a line stating, "the sons fight the father's war". There are trials in this broken world and we either let God carry us through them, tearstained; or we stuff it inside and unintentionally force it upon the ones we love.
What are you running from?
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6 comments:
you should be told that you are a man.
someone should let you know that you are respected and that you have potential to insane things with your life through the hand of Christ.
someone should have said to you that the most manly thing you can do is surrender your life to someone else... knowing you may recieve nothing in return on this Earth.
you should know that striving to live as selfless as possible is one of the most honorable things a man can ever achieve...
giving all you have so that others may find freedom and rest...
that's a man. :]
you're doing great, hud.
keep working through this.
1 Peter 1:6-9
i'm crying.
i tend to do enough of that for everyone, but rarely in the open. usually behind a shut door, as silently as possible, so as not to disturb or inconvenience anyone.
"jesus wept" is one of my favorite verses in the bible, for obvious reasons, but also for the not-so-obvious.
i don't even know the half of your story, hudson, which is kinda lame because we've been in ministry together for 3 years now. ha. but i can say that my dad and your dad are as close to twins as they come, so i can genuinely understand your pain, to an extent, because it is still unique to you and your circumstances. when i think of it, i will pray for him. (i always preface it with the "when i think of it" because in all honesty, i suck at being consistent in my prayers for people, and i don't want to promise something i can't deliver)
anyway, can i just say that i'm sooo super stoked that you are one of the leaders for crusade this year? because i am. you and marty (mal) may not feel equipped for the job at hand some days, but i know God is going to do big things through you both. i tell her all the time, and i also wanted to make sure to tell you. and maybe there will be days that are so hard, they bring you to your knees in tears.
i hope for these days for you.
because if they don't make you cling to Christ with all you have, i don't know what will.
run from things of this world, the things that tell you to be "manly" and recognize that the only thing you need to be is desperate for God.
maybe it's good to hear that from a female?
maybe not.
but here's to sayin' it anyway...
off to read more blogs.
i'm in the mood today.
first and for most, i'm so sorry the knife has got you down. seriously.
i really enjoy reading this when you lay out pieces of your heart, disorderly as they may be, for others to see. that is really important and really amazing at the same time. sometimes when i think about things that happen in the lives of people i know, i just want to scream and freak out and wonder why because i'm so mad about if for them. i want them to have 'more', whatever that means. and i felt that for you tonight.
you are really strong, just so you know.
"Those who plant with tears will gather fruit with songs of joy. He who goes out crying as he carries his bag of seed will return with songs of joy as he brings back much grain with him."
Psalm 126:5-6
can i just say that i am so excited to be doing ministry with you? you rock and thanks for sharing your heart.
It is a good thing that you see that you need to be open about your feelings. Even if it's just with God. But definately, it is unfortunate that society, culture, etc tell a man he shouldn't cry. Is he not human? We were made in God's image, and when He came to this earth, He cried, just as you pointed out.
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