dis-'man-t&l

"If the world hates you, you know that it hated Me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love its own. Yet because you are not of the world, but I chose you out of the world, therefore the world hates you."

Father. At times my eyes and heart are so set on this life, this earth. I don't deny that I have wounds in my heart, voids in my life, and I try to fill them. I try to make myself complete. How pitiful and retched I feel after. I fail to come to you. And the things in this life, the sin I fall into, are perversions of a memory of the garden or a perversion of a prophecy of Heaven. Things you created for me to experience. But I'm impatient and don't trust you. You've blessed me with certain things for a season that I won't let go of. You haven't given me certain things in my life yet, and selfishly I seek them out anyway. And that deepens my independence and the hurt in my heart. Show me how to be utterly, completely, dependent on you. Like a child who is lost without his father.

Boy are times tough. After five years of college, I've emerged into the "real" world with a four-year degree and 30+K in debt. I've done most everything I can on my end to pursue a copywriting position with an agency here in KC. I've tapped those resources and exhausted those connections (although in doing so, I've managed to make a few more). The feedback I continue to get on my work leads me to believe that it's simply this crappy economy keeping me from joining an agency - I hope those encouragements aren't just sympathy for the poor college-grad who can't find a job, but full of truth. And I think they are. I think I have what it takes to make it in an agency. And that's why I'm simply trying to stay in the game until things begin to look up for the industry. Hello Ad Club.

Oh the wonders of the world wide web.

After five years and a few minor changes to my major, my college career is slowly winding down.  Cue Bittersweet Symphony. I'm truly ready to step out into the "real world" where my independence will finally mature into man-hood.  Away from classes and homework that rarely leaves me challenged and often leaves me wondering where in my adult life I could possibly apply the difference between Igneous and Metamorphic rocks.  Though I did hear once that college is simply teaching students to learn.  So after five years, I'd say I'm fairly versed in learning.  And I'm ready to step into the world and, well, learn.

I recently went to see the movie, "The Day the Earth Stood Still" in theaters.
The film was original, and PG. It was also about the only movie giving Keanu Reeves a role that fits, well, his lack of acting skills. That said, there's nothing all too awe inspiring about the movie. . . except the focal point of the plot.

An extra terrestrial crashes to earth and approaches humanity with a warning. It claims that humanity lacks the capacity to do good, and to change. We are labeled as destructive and threatening to the planet itself. The warning is the earth will be saved at the expense of the human race.
"If the Earth dies, you die. If you die, the Earth survives."

As the story develops, this extra terrestrial, who has taken the form of a human, begins to witness the soft side of humanity, and therein the ability to change. At a point in the film, the statement is made that it is only in dire circumstances, when on the brink of destruction, that real change is possible.

I guess I'm wondering why that statement holds true for the majority of humanity. Why do we have to see the destruction, feel the destruction in our own lives, before we understand how destructive our behavior truly is? This is the idea of hitting bottom.

Tyler Durden, from Fight Club, once said, "It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Some would say as a follower of Christ, you'll never truly understand the nature of grace until you fully understand your depravity. What is it inside of us, in our hearts, in our souls, that cries out, "Save me", once we've been defeated physically, emotionally, or spiritually? Better yet, what is it inside of us that keeps us from crying out, "Save me"? A lot of people who don't understand the gospel and oppose Christianity claim it's nothing but a crutch. It's how you choose to deal with life.

I used to deny that statement. But now I understand, it is a crutch. Jesus Christ is my crutch. The evil, the hate, the destruction in this world, right here among us, will overcome the simple minded man who chooses to fend for himself. Jesus Christ is the Way; He leads us by still waters; He's close to the brokenhearted. At the same time, don't be mislead, our God is a God of war (Exodus15:3). He's not a passifist. Jesus Christ did not come to bring peace to the earth, but division (Matthew10:34). He knows what's best. He's knows what humanity is up against, and He is our Hope. Our strength. He carries us when we can no longer walk. But only if we'll let Him. Never will God step into our lives against our will and force Himself upon us. And that is what's beautiful about our God. He places the desicion in our hands. What love.

I'm back in Jeff City for the next two days or so. I'm staying with a recently married friend from high school, which is nice. My dad is shacked up in an apartment and has relapsed since rehab. Last year, he slept on the couch while I slept in his bed, which was my bed all through high school, before he lost the house.

On my way to Todd's, I drove by my old house and saw people in it... How weird. People living in the same spaces I used to. I had been thinking earlier, on my drive down, about why coming to Jeff City is so tough sometimes. The drive always starts out great because I enjoy driving, blasting my music and singing my heart out to an audience of One. But it seems the closer I get to Jeff City, the darker my heart feels. Not in an evil way necessarily, but in an unsure troubled way.

I think it's because I literally don't have a home here. We had a house, but now even that's gone. My house in Maryville has really been the only place I've ever been comfortable calling a home, and I have for the last four years. I lived in Jeff City with my mom and grandma for the first five years of my life, then I moved to Texas with my mom when she married my step-dad. I lived there for roughly four years, then came back to Jeff City, only this time I moved in with my dad. We lived in an apartment complex managed by our family for another three or four years, after which we moved into a house, when my dad married my step-mom. We had lots of space and a huge back-yard. Now that's gone too, after four or five years there.

I don't really miss that house, except for having a place to crash that was mine. Now I'm a guest, which I'm still grateful for; I just don't feel like I can touch anything. Looking back, I guess I've never really felt like I had a home to go home to, even when there was a physical house. Most everybody else gets so excited about going home, but I'd rather not. Maybe things will change when I get my own place, but that's six months away and a whole other blog post.

What am I thankful for? I'm so very thankful for the spiritual family that God has provided me outside of my dysfunctional immediate family. I'm grateful for the brothers He has put in my life. The ones that helped build me up and the ones He's allowed me to invest in. I'm thankful for Crusade as a ministry, which gave me somewhere to get involved and serve. I'm grateful for Calvary Chapel and their dedication to God's holy Word, and the love that springs up from that dedication. I'm thankful for the Toolbox and everyone that lives there and has made their way through it.

Romans12:9-13
"Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good. Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer; distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality."

Thank you Jesus for being my ultimate provider when this world deals me a crap hand.

As a follower of Christ, I've been trying to find the balance between my yearning for Heaven and the lost. I think as Christians, it's easy for a lot of people to yearn for Home. This world is broken.

Well. I'm in Texas again.
I feel that there is so much in my heart and head desiring to be poured out on here, but seems snagged on something inside of me. It's such an awkward, almost indescribable feeling. I don't think you could understand unless you experienced it. To be a part of a family, but not feel like a part of it. I shy away from my mother and brother and I'm not sure why. An odd sensation will sweep me at times and I suddenly feel like I'm forced to be close with them when I would rather run off, plug my headphones in and disappear for awhile, at least until the feeling passes.

Herein lies the dilemma. I love my mother and my brother. I desperately want them to know the power of Christ and not that He is simply a label. And they're getting there, slowly but surely, praise God. I begin to feel guilty for not being capable of loving them and relating to them the way I would if I had never left nearly 13 years ago. At that time, I was the one that felt abandoned and shipped off, but hindsight is 20/20 and now I feel like I did the abandoning, leaving them to fend for themselves against my step dad. Things that never should have happened, never should have been thought of. The void of a family bond, connectedness, even love between the three of them blows my mind.

I'm sure this house is nothing more than a prison to them. My brother resents my step dad for the way he's been treated and therefore doesn't respect him and dishes out a lot of attitude. My step dad doesn't have the slightest clue what it looks like to ensure your son knows he is loved, valued, important, special. My mother resents my step dad for much of what's listed above. This isn't a home, this isn't a family, this isn't a marriage, yet they still go about their business each day. Then I come to visit for two weeks out the almost 50 weeks in the year. I miss so much, good and bad, they miss so much, good and bad.

God's Spirit inside me tells me to stay, to love them, to let my walls down, to embrace them. My past, my flesh, my anger, my sorrow, my disdain, my broken heart stitched together by God's grace says do what you can until you leave. Start the countdown the second you get off that plane. Four days. I can't be the solace they need. I can't be their relief. I can't measure up to the pedestal they place me so undeservedly upon.

Don't be mislead. Though my heart is blown about by the waves of emotion in this world, my soul remains steadfast and dedicated to God.

For those of you that know, over the last year or so, I've been experiencing incredible pain in my abdominal area and have had no clue as to what it might be; I took myself to the ER last summer for it.

Turns out, I've been diagnosed with IBS, short-term. That's Irritable Bowel Syndrome if you live under a rock: I B S
My first visit to a local doctor in Maryville, and we talked about my bowels. Regardless, he prescribed some medication I'm to take for a month, and if things don't "calm down" or improve, I'm to return for a much less-pleasant visit, I'll keep the details disclosed.

He asked if I was under any stress; I thought and replied, not any more than the next guy. However, my doctor and Mom think that I've been internalizing a lot of the things going on with my dad, recently and in the past, and circumstances surrounding my entire family for that matter. God has dealt me a decent portion of trials, if I can say that without being prideful.

So why is it that I'm internalizing these experiences in my life?
I was talking with Justin the other night and we both mentioned how we couldn't remember the last time we had cried. After thinking about it, we both recalled, but otherwise we were clueless as to what affected us deeply enough and to the point of tears. That is a very common and sad realization among guys. Don't cry. Suck it up. Keep it in. Bottle it up. Yeah, be a man. Just like my dad was. Sucked it up and then started drinking it up. Now he's a divorced, lonely, 50-something who has been through rehab, relapsed and is jobless and broke. Why? Because he was a man. He didn't let his emotions out. And some 40 years later he's a wreck. I can't even imagine the internal damage he's caused himself. Although I don't completely see it as his fault either. He apparently did not have a community that would accept the expression of his emotions.

Grieving cleanses the soul. It purges darkness, bitterness, and sorrow from our very hearts. Much like laughing is an overflow of joy, so crying is an overflow of sorrow. Imagine if the world told you, You're not a man if you laugh. Suck it up and stop laughing. Then why is it so different with crying?

Jesus wept. The shortest line in the bible, and one of the most powerful in my opinion. If the Resurrection and the Life, the Lord of Lords, the Rock, the Alpha and Omega, the Lion of the Tribe of Judah, the Almighty, Everlasting Father cried, showing an outpour of emotion, then why are we ashamed to mimic Him?

Pride. It's that simple, and that harsh. What a humbling experience for God to place Himself in a situation where He would cry. And we're to do the same when we're found in those situations.

There's a song called The Salesman, the Husband, the Lover by Receiving End of Sirens. There's a line stating, "the sons fight the father's war". There are trials in this broken world and we either let God carry us through them, tearstained; or we stuff it inside and unintentionally force it upon the ones we love.

What are you running from?

After three long, drawn out, lonely, renewing weeks, I have a job.
I'm back in Maryville, home, with my friends and my own bed. I'll be joining the team at America's favorite restaurant, Mickey D's. I feel that I've come closer to God these last few weeks, spending time in His Word on a regular basis and praying with an authenticity that I think I may have lacked in the past. Before moving to Kansas City for the summer, so I thought, I hadn't given much prayer or consideration to the idea. I assumed I could just move in with a married couple, away from friends, and get a job fairly easily.

What a difficult lesson with such a fresh perspective.
During those three weeks I had nothing to do. I was alone 90% of the day and could not find a job. So God led me back to Maryville after three weeks of doing nothing. What a waste right? Wrong. I truly think God used those three weeks to refine my spirit; to bring me into line with His will and His heart. It's with a Godly attitude that I'm able to take a job like McDonald's. It's not Quick-Trip, it's not FedEx, it's not Ameristar Casino Valet Parking. It's fast-food. I'm really excited for this challenge and have been praying that God would challenge me in the job He provides. I want my job to be a ministry. I want to show these people real love. I want to be a servant to those working around me, without expecting a return from them. I want to show my supervisors that I'm a hard worker, and serve them in that manner.

JD at Calvary today said we are called to be a witness, not to be confused with witnessing. He referenced the verse stating that we are the salt of the earth, not a people called to spread salt. Our life, the way we live it, IS OUR WITNESS. Walk closely with God and love the people around you. Have an eternal perspective. They're not just co-workers, or fellow students, or acquaintances. What a foolish and dangerous outlook. Their souls are longing for the love and redemption of Christ, even if they aren't aware of it. Represent God in all you do. That is what outreach and witnessing is about, life. Not a specific time where you put your spiritual clothes on, but life.

From a very young age I was forced to learn how to say goodbye. Through the years I've continued to dish out the goodbyes. Goodbye to family. Goodbye to friends. To my house, to my dog, to a certain way of life.

I can remember when I moved to Texas with my mom when I was five, I cried for two hours straight because I missed my grandma and grandpa who had been a huge part of my life. When I lived in Jeff City they took care of me since my mom worked and my dad wasn't around. Nonetheless, I said goodbye.

Around age nine, because things between my mom and stepdad were getting so bad, my mom sent me back to Jeff City to live with my dad, which she did in my best interest, but that started a consuming whirlwind of goodbyes. I would go visit my mom and brother every summer for months at a time only to return to Missouri for school. The day before my flight home, I would always feel sick. Couldn't eat. Couldn't sleep. I can still remember every single time I had to leave my mom and brother behind in the airport, crying my heart out as I walked away from them. This continued for a long time until high school when I had finally made a life for myself in Missouri. My visits in Texas shortened each summer and I had learned how to stuff those feelings deep inside somewhere to keep my mom and brother from crying, somehow I became the strong one on the outside.

I bring all this up because today I moved out of my college house for the summer. I had no idea it would affect me so much. I really just felt like crying. Just like I did as a child walking away from my family in the airport. I think that I've built my life around the community at Northwest and that was all stripped from me today. But why? I've left for the summer every year and haven't had these feelings. Maybe because in the past, when I left, everyone else left Maryville too, but this time I left some of my best friends behind.

Where is God in all this? He is faithful and will provide for me. I'm sure this will all pass as I try and settle in my new "home". I think I was just caught off guard a bit. It makes me think of how fallen this world is. That we can attach ourselves so closely to something, only to be pulled away from it.

Heaven will be great.

I've heard the argument that in certain cases, using profanity can help your witness. I thought that I believed it was left up to the individual and relied heavily upon the context of the situation, but I'm beginning to question that idea.

And where does the idea come from that we have ANYTHING to do with "witnessing"? I was under the assumption that the Spirit, the Helper, is what leads someone to the Father. The only thing we can do is make our bodies a temple for the Spirit, feeding it through prayer, holy living, and time in God's Word; starving our flesh.
"Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers."
[Ephesians 4:29]
"But fornication and all uncleanliness or covetousness, let it not even be named among you... nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting..."
[Ephesians 5:3-4]
"But now you yourselves are to put off all these: anger, wrath, malice, blasphemy, filthy language out of your mouth."
[Colossians 3:8]

Let it not even be NAMED among you, let NO word proceed. This stands out to me. It doesn't say, based upon the context of the situation, decide if you should use "foolish talking" or "coarse jesting" to aid your witness.
"...because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience. Therefore, do not be partakers with them."
[Ephesians 5:6-7]

Foolish talk and coarse jesting are included in the above list, and it is stated that God's wrath will be poured out on those who are not saved by Christ, therefore, don't join them because they're paying for their disobedience. Instead...
"...be filled with the spirit... speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your heart to the Lord, giving thanks always..."
[Ephesians 5:18-21]

It seems here you could conclude that straying from "foolish talking" and replacing it with "spiritual songs and thanks" is evidence of being filled with the Spirit. This leads me to believe that the Spirit has no part with "foolish talking" and "coarse jesting" and does not lead someone to partake in them for the sake of witness.

As far as the argument for freedom in Christ, yes, you have freedom in Christ, but the second it becomes a stumbling block to someone else, it's sin.

1 Corinthians 8
Be Sensitive to Conscience
1 Now concerning things offered to idols: We know that we all have knowledge. Knowledge puffs up, but love edifies. 2 And if anyone thinks that he knows anything, he knows nothing yet as he ought to know. 3 But if anyone loves God, this one is known by Him.

4 Therefore concerning the eating of things offered to idols, we know that an idol is nothing in the world, and that there is no other God but one. 5 For even if there are so-called gods, whether in heaven or on earth (as there are many gods and many lords), 6 yet for us there is one God, the Father, of whom are all things, and we for Him; and one Lord Jesus Christ, through whom are all things, and through whom we live.

7 However, there is not in everyone that knowledge; for some, with consciousness of the idol, until now eat it as a thing offered to an idol; and their conscience, being weak, is defiled. 8 But food does not commend us to God; for neither if we eat are we the better, nor if we do not eat are we the worse.

9 But beware lest somehow this liberty of yours become a stumbling block to those who are weak. 10 For if anyone sees you who have knowledge eating in an idol’s temple, will not the conscience of him who is weak be emboldened to eat those things offered to idols? 11 And because of your knowledge shall the weak brother perish, for whom Christ died? 12 But when you thus sin against the brethren, and wound their weak conscience, you sin against Christ. 13 Therefore, if food makes my brother stumble, I will never again eat meat, lest I make my brother stumble."

What do you think?

Spiritual mothers
Chemical fathers
Wish I learned to love you more
Lonesome brothers
Trustless daughters
Children of Divorce - Alive In Wild Paint

Sometimes I look at the people around me in everyday life, and wonder what type of father, or what type of mother they'll be. Chances are, they're destined to follow in the very footsteps of their parents, and statistically, that's for the worse. 50 percent of first marriages will end in divorce, 67 percent for second marriages, and 74 percent for third marriages. If that doesn't make you stop for a second and think, then it proves the point, how unimportant or overlooked this fact is. The idea that statistics are needed for not only second, but third marriages as well, serves to fulfill this epidemic.

The family in America is broken. If parents aren't divorced, some should be. And even when conflict isn't drastic enough for divorce, there are certainly times in which spouses and children are threatened with the idea or feeling that they aren't loved.

I want to focus on fathers, because men are created to be leaders and providers, and the abundance of broken father-to-son relationships has crippled society leaving a gapping hole void of true leadership. And if you follow this problem back through generations, most likely, the father wasn't loved rightly by his father, and his father from his father. What a vicious damaging circle. You would be hard pressed to convince me that the majority of the world's problems are caused by something other than this need for a true father and his love, equating real leadership.

When you look at the gruesome, unexplainable, majestic, beautiful trials of Christ, it was only because of His relationship with His Father and His unfailing love that Jesus could endure. Christ was the beloved son. There was not ONE DOUBT in His tempted mind that He was unloved.

I don't have the answer. Christ is the only antidote "other" enough to heal this father wound. Growing closer to Christ personally, surely, but also experiencing His love through others. I'm convinced of the later because that's exactly what the Father and Creator of existence did. He demonstrated His love through a man. . . Christ.

I just watched Into the Wild directed by Sean Penn. A pretty amazing movie showcasing a young man's attempt to become a man in a broken world. But through Chris' attempt to truly find himself and be re-birthed as a man, he abandons parts of the very thing God intended to lead us into manhood. . . people. Much of the film and Chris' adventure revolves around the relationships he builds along the way, yet at the end of Chris' adventure, he comes to a realization, discovering that "Happiness is only real when shared".

There's something to be said about the brokenness of the family in regards to the current state of the world. And regardless of people's acceptance of who Christ is, everyone feels that void and brokenness in some form, and in turn, they try to put duct-tape over a gapping wound that can only be healed by their true Father and His boundless love.

Go love someone, because statistics say, they need it.

Name drop of the day: Alive In Wild Paint

God created us for community. Jesus always sent the disciples out in at least pairs. And before the disciples were sent out to complete the Great Commission, they spent three entire years at the side of Christ. Eating with Him. Resting with Him. Asking questions. Learning from Him.

Thank God for college. Thank God for Northwest and the friends He's put in my life, especially my spiritual brothers. It's no wonder this world is so screwed up. We're immersed in community from a very young age in school, up through the early years of our adult life in college, some spend more time here than others :P

Then you graduate. Move out of this community you've invested so much in. Probably move in somewhere alone, unless God has graced you with your significant other. A whole new world that seems devoid of community. Now you spend the rest of your life looking for a job that suits you; statistically, you will change, not only positions, but entire career fields an average of seven times in your life.

I feel we're missing the point. This life is about PEOPLE. What makes sense about investing in relationships, building them up and then scrapping them for a piece of the "American Dream"? Absolutely nothing.

This Easter marks the first holiday I've refrained from going back to Jeff City. By far it's not the first time I've thought about not going back. I haven't heard from my dad for about two months whereas before I heard from him weekly due to a legal situation he was in.

It's weird when I think the thing I miss most about going home is the actual drive. The open road with my iPod hooked up creates the perfect soundtrack every time. Although, I think I miss having a family to go home to, to enjoy time together, not that I ever had that because I didn't. But in some way I still miss it, maybe it's a yearning instead? That's why I think I loved my dog so much, because he seemed to be the only one who was glad to see me come home.

If we're wired by God to perform our best in community, then why is it so easy for people to completely screw that up? Passivity. Selfishness. The two greatest tools Satan wields. This isn't intended to be a pity party, but an introspective look at a very real example of broken community. Cherish your family if you've been blessed with one you can be close to, because some people don't know what that feels like.

Name drop of the day: The New Frontiers

Where's the passion in our generation? I don't think it would be too much of a stretch to say that much of our generation runs around passionless. Many of us seem to be continually searching for the next "fix". The next girl, the next drink, the next trip, the next test, etc.

We live our lives in a constant countdown because it seems that living just for today is not enough. We've been trained to overlook the simplest and at times most intricate and beautiful parts of life. The way a sunset lights up the evening sky. A warm day in March. Being surrounded by people who truly care about you. The list goes on. The blessings go on. But are we oblivious?

What would you die for?
A family member? A friend? A cause?
I once heard a quote stating that finding something to die for is easy... but finding something to live for is where our passion is truly tested.

What are you living for? When all is said and done at the end of the day, as you lay awake in your bed, is it enough? Do you rest easy? Or are you searching for the next best thing to come your way? I hope you can lay down, close your eyes, and know that you are loved beyond belief. I hope there are people in your life to help give you a glimpse of what that feels like. Because you won't know how to love until you've been loved.

"It is easier to find men who will volunteer to die, than to find those who are willing to endure pain with patience." ~Julius Caesar

Name drop of the day: The Glorious Unseen

Everyone has secrets. Frank Warren of Post Secret would go so far to say that some may not even be aware of the secrets in their lives, because not only do they hide it from others, but from themselves as well.

I attended a lecture by Frank Warren last night here at Northwest and it was ... amazing. He mentioned what an amazing campus we have here, that so many people can get up and share their secrets, which they did, and go back to their seat to be comforted by their friends. Secrets they had never told another soul. That's unbelievable to me. That a person can walk up to a mic in a room full of strangers with something so fragile to their soul, and then bear it before the world.

How do we get to a place within the community in our own lives, where we don't need someone like Frank to hold a lecture in order for us to bear the most intricate and fragile parts of our lives to each other? Frank mentioned he wasn't religious which shocked me because, as a friend explained to me, God is most definitely using Frank's work to change lives. I just wish Frank and so many other secret posters had more than a 1.800.hotline or a blog to go to, but instead had a savior.

I challenge you to tell a close friend about your secret. Not a stranger. Why? Because your close friend needs to be challenged to love you, and you need to know that a true friend will continue to love you no matter what your secret may be.

Name drop of the day: Frank Warren of Post Secret